A few weeks ago I downloaded a Catholic confession app that basically lets you outline all the terrible shit you’ve done to make God cry, but without actually letting you confess them and receive your acts of penance. Since then, I’ve been trying to find time in my life to go and do the act properly, with the understanding that I would be in a box type situation or something, rather than face to face with the priest in a room.
Prior to my visit I’d told my girlfriend about my plans to go through with an actual confession, and she was a bit apprehensive about the whole thing. I can get where she was coming from: I’m an unbaptized, unconfirmed lesbian rolling deep into the Catholic playing ground to confess to a metric fuck ton of sins. Depending on the priest I came across, it could have gone pretty poorly for me. I was counting on the barrier at least to help me preserve my anonymity, and a bit of dignity if I got myself forcibly removed from the premises,
No luck in the church I visited today.
Confession in this church happens in a small room where you’re up close and personal with a mouthpiece of god. Having never done a proper confession, I didn’t really know what the hell I was to do when I got in the room, but the priest was pretty helpful with the whole thing, nervous though I was.
Due to a lack of time (we only had 10 minutes before the priest needed to deliver Mass), I didn’t give him the entire list of sins that were available to me from the app. He asked me which ones were weighing most heavily on my soul, so I gave him the ones that I knew the church would frown upon most significantly: the blasphemy, the homosexuality, and the gay premarital sex.
For the most part he took that shit on the chin. He described the church’s updated stance on homosexuality, wherein you can be a big gaymo so long as you don’t have sex, and he mentioned that he could understand how difficult that would be because, you know, priest. It’s not really the same thing, but I appreciate the attempt at empathy from the man. He also offered to have a chat with me at some point in the future to see what we can do about spiritual guidance.
Ultimately, due to my status as a heathen, my penance consists of an hour of quiet contemplation, in which I am to try to ask God to touch me. I realize that doesn’t mean in a dirty way, but I have to admit I laughed internally at the phrasing of that. God: the only man I’ll ever ask to touch me.
I’ll go through with the penance, just for due diligence, but I’m not expecting much here. I’ll also likely go talk with the man for a while, because, like the Scientology deal, it just seems like a chance to see what the whole thing is about from someone who really gives a shit about it.
In the mean time: if God touches me, does that count as cheating on my girlfriend? The hard hitting questions abound.