Though I’ve tried to keep myself moving physically and eating relatively well, I’m very much a person that needs something to do with my day that has purpose, and not working opens me up to a depressive episode very quickly. I’ve been out of work basically since I got out of school, I’m broke as shit, and I don’t really have many job prospects on the horizon right now in spite of the work I’m doing trying to send out resumes and call up contacts to see if anyone has any work to be done.
I’m ripe for a lapse, and for the past couple of weeks I’ve been noticing myself get further and further down the rabbit hole of depression. I’m having trouble sleeping, my motivation to do anything has gone to shit, and my thoughts are starting to dip towards the less-than-fun variety. Recognizing that I’m toeing the line, I’m trying this new thing called “being proactive” while I still have access to my health insurance (since that’s only good through the end of August, may as well use it all), so I’ve submitted a request to speak with a psychologist through the health plan.
I wish I could just call up my old therapist, but he’s a specialist in PTSD, and this isn’t so much a lapse in that as it is a generalized MDD episode. Though he could help, it’s not what he’s meant to be doing, and I’d feel more guilty about taking his time away from someone who needs it more than me, which would just fuel the depression more.
I’m hoping that this will help to resolve this episode fairly quickly. The rabbit hole is not a happy place to be.