So this past week has not been my best in terms of health. I’ve basically been a walking bag of death for a couple of days now, to the point where I am willingly taking drugs to help cut my symptoms and get better.
If you know me, you know that’s a big deal. My normal methods of beating illness involve “curl into a ball under the covers” and “whine while refusing any and all treatment.”
So, it’s been ugly. Not at all my finest moment. At this particular point my throat is so sore and miserable talking is tough, and my voice comes and goes.
Because I have class tomorrow where I need my voice (turns out soliloquies require a functional voice box to perform) I thought I’d do anything I could to try to clear out the ol’ chords. I’ve been drinking warm fluids and gargling with salt for days, but nothing is really working.
So, I decided to go nuclear. Introduce some of that sweet chilli heat to the palate and see if I couldn’t destroy the inflammation that way.
Now, the more astute of you will notice that lighting an already inflamed throat on fire is likely not the best decision I could have made, but when you’re hopped up on a sweet cocktail of codeine and antibiotics sometimes your brain goes a little off. And considering how well my previous experience with heat had gone while I was 100% healthy, this was a fairly blatant recipe for disaster.
But, always one to ignore a blazing neon sign spelling out “HORRIFYING DECISION”, I went ahead and shoved a jalapeño into my miserable gullet anyways.
The first ten seconds or so were shockingly normal. I chewed away like I’d just taken a bite of a carrot, content to crunch my way through what was obviously an oversell on the heat meter.
Then it hit me. My god did it hit me.
I wish I could say I took it well in my illness-induced stupor, but there was a decent amount of internal flailing occurring despite the fever. My nose ran, my eyes watered, my mouth decided it needed a cooling vacation in the Sahara and immediately fucked off. Every single one of my tastebuds took this decision as a personal insult and ensured they expressed that sentiment in the strongest possible terms for the next ten minutes.
Again, it was warm is what I’m trying to get at. And my throat, never one to miss out on the party, decided it would be absolutely hysterical to seize up for a while just to be helpful.
All in all, I cannot recommend the “jalapeño cure for strep” as a wise course of treatment. Aside from raising my internal temperature so rapidly I briefly thought my nervous system started listening to The Trammps, I’ve also had the pleasure of feeling the urge to vomit for the last several hours.
I’ve done some stupid shit in my time, folks. This one’s going on the list of the dumbest.